


I Wanna Confess

by extemporaneous



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/F, F/M, Fix-It, Fluff and Smut, Huddling For Warmth, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, feelings are complicated, jedi!Finn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-02-16 10:53:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13052541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/extemporaneous/pseuds/extemporaneous
Summary: Finn’s breath steadied as he gazed out at the stars and the twinkling of faraway galaxies and nebulas. His soul shifted from it’s high-on-edge place and down into bliss. Poe saw the ease settle into Finn’s bones, and his heart fluttered, his cheeks felt warm and Poe knew what this was- but he didn’t want to say it out loud. He wanted to hold this moment, to cradle it in his palm as the yearning grew in defiance of his suppression.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic immediately after TFA and never posted it for some reason. But since TLJ was such a let down this is gonna be my own take of post-tfa and Finn and Poe (and others) adventures. It's going to be feel good for the most part. It might get angsty at some points. But Finn and Poe!!!
> 
> OH ALSO: here is the song the title is from and also just the Mood of the fic. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qttk5LobNKw

The light was hazy, blurring, and his eyes stung as he opened them for the first time in a week. His first instinct was defensive, a hand raised as the deadly crackling of a lightsaber loomed over him, but when his vision cleared there was nothing but the familiar grey walls of the Resistance base and a mild tingling sensation racing up and down his spine. He blinked slowly, trying and failing to adjust his eyes to the invasive brightness, and glanced around. 

He’s not going to touch her again...Rey…

“Feeling better?” A warm voice slid through his confusion and he turned to see General Organa standing in the doorway, a soft smile lighting up her face. 

“I think…” He rubbed the back of his neck instinctively, and when he shifted to fully face her, the tingling sensation burst up his spine. “I don’t really remember...Kylo was…” 

Pain flickered in her eyes briefly, but it was gone as quickly as it came. Finn wanted to hug away the guilt he felt from her, to assure her that her son’s violence wasn’t her fault, but he felt that was not his place, so he stayed silent. “I know. I’m sorry he hurt you. But you’re safe now, I assure you. In fact, I’m certain you’ve noticed the new spine we gave you.”

“Hard to miss.” He managed a chuckle, pushing the memory of a blade of energy tearing its way up his back out and away. He’d been hurt before and he wasn’t going to dwell on it. It didn’t stop the concern he felt bubbling up, however. “Rey…?”

“Is also safe and sound. In fact she couldn’t be in better hands.” The General walked forward to help him up, arms holding him steady as his legs wobbled under his weight, betraying him after being unconscious for so long. Noticing his puzzled look, she elaborated. “She went to go find Luke, and she’s with him now, training.” 

“Oh.” Finn said softly, feeling a little lonely knowing his only friend was light years away. 

“Don’t worry, she’ll be back,” She patted him on the back gently, her eyes twinkling with a look Finn couldn’t quite pin, but knew he had seen before. “In the meantime I believe there is someone who wants to see you.” He squinted and she laughed. “A certain pilot has been worried sick over you.” 

All of a sudden it felt like he’d been punched in the stomach as he was flooded with memories flashing through him so quickly his head spun. Poe. 

______

No one else in the entire world existed when Finn finally found Poe in the crowded room. He had his back turned to him, and was talking to Pava rather enthusiastically about the new engine models when he heard his name practically yelled from the other side of the room. 

He laid eyes on Finn, clad in white med clothes, realizing he hadn’t even bothered to change before going on a manhunt through the base, and he found a stupid grin plastered across his face. “Finn! Buddy!” Before he knew it the younger man nearly tackled him, and he stumbled backwards into the wall behind him. He found he didn’t mind Finn’s arms squeezing his sides so hard he couldn’t breathe and even felt himself blush a little bit when he heard Pava huff out a laugh in response. He chuckled, carefully prying Finn’s arms away, just enough to actually get a look at him, “I guess they managed to fix you up pretty well.” 

Finn pulled away, his hands still holding Poe’s shoulders with an iron grip, afraid he’d let go and Poe would disappear, “Yeah. They gave me a new spine.”

A thought raced past, sleek and slightly inappropriate, and Poe filed it away. For now, he was just happy that the man who saved his life was alive. He could finally tell him all the things he’d wanted to for weeks. 

__________________________________________________________________

 

This, Poe thought decidedly, was going to be the death of him. Sure, he’d had the insides of his mind scraped away by Kylo Ren, escaped bursts of gunfire, crashed into the isolated dunes of Jakku, blasted his way through the war front of Takodana, even took down Starkiller base in a massive explosion- and this was all in the last few weeks- but in all his years of fighting and soaring through the stars for the resistance, all the years of freezing the instances between life and death and squeezing out of situations he should never have gotten into in the first place, Poe had never been in this much danger before. 

Finn stood on the other side of the hanger, the large doors drawn open to reveal the inky black backdrop of the night sky, he ducked around the battleworn x-wings and called Poe’s name only to have it echo back towards him after bouncing off the arched metal ceiling. The pilot couldn’t help but wonder what was so important that Finn had come to find him in the middle of the night, and what made him think he could find Poe here in the empty hangar. 

He watched the man from a distance, keeping quiet as he grabbed a rag to rub the grease from his hands. 

Finn frowned slightly and shrugged his shoulders- the ones that wore his old fighter jacket so well- and sighed, his search leading him to nothing. Just as he turned though, and headed back out to the open air, Poe stepped out from behind his ship. 

“Wait!” 

Finn turned on his heel, his expression lighting up like the sun when his eyes landed on the resistance fighter. “There you are, Poe!” He picked up his pace with long, eager strides towards him. 

Oh man, Poe thought, a dreadfully bright smile breaking across his face. I’m a dead man. 

Finn huffed, and rubbed his hands together in an act to keep warm on the chilly night as he sat down on a small stack of boxes, looking miffed. “Why didn’t you answer me?” 

Because your presence sets my heart on fire. “I didn’t hear you. What’s up, buddy?” 

Finn frowned again, and Poe realized he hadn’t thought that far. “I don’t know, I couldn’t sleep. I checked your bunk, but you weren’t there so I guessed you were here and hey, look! Found you.” 

Poe knew he should’ve listened to the rest but his mind was spinning around the fact that he’d checked his room. Keep it together, Poe. So he chuckled. “Yeah, I don’t sleep too often myself, especially after a flight. It takes a while to get my head out of the clouds.” 

He didn’t know it, but when he thought of flying- if one looked close enough- they could see the stars in his eyes. Finn saw them now, and he wanted to reach up and touch Poe’s face, but he kept his hand steady at his side. 

Finn pursed his lips in thought, picking up a tool next to him and fiddling with it. “How do you sleep? This is all so new to me...I’m used to continuity- but here there’s none- every day there’s something new.” 

Poe surprised himself when he finally noticed the ink colored smudges resting under Finn’s eyes- he thought he’d memorized every part of his face by now. When had these happened? He’d only been gone for a few days to deliver a message to a Resistance ally, and they hadn’t been there when he’d left. “Sometimes, when I’m especially restless, I go where it’s always night.” 

That sounded a lot like a confession, even to Poe. Finn stared at him, something unfamiliar stirring inside him, though he was beginning to get used to such things, and when Poe met his eyes, he couldn’t look away. “Show me.” He said, quiet. 

__________________________________________________________________

 

Poe didn’t speak as the cockpit of the ship opened slowly, or as he held Finn’s hips steady while he climbed in. The young man was still adjusting to the new spine, and he didn’t want Finn to hurt himself when he should be healing. There was only one seat, so Poe shifted to the side to make room for Finn, painfully aware of his thigh pressed against his own. They stayed silent as the engines purred to life, a myriad of displays lit up their faces green and blue and red. For an instant, Poe thought of notifying someone that they were leaving, but even General Leia was asleep on this rare quiet night. 

They rolled out on the tarmac and Finn held his breath as they left the ground and shot towards the edge of the atmosphere. Poe’s heart always pounded during takeoffs, aware most crashes happened then, but this time was different than all the rest. Finn’s hand was on Poe’s knee as he looked out, white clouds whipping past them at incredible speeds, slowly giving way to a vast blackness. Poe pulled back the steering, easing into a slow crawl at the very end of the atmosphere, now that nothing was holding back it’s speed, and finally let it come to a near complete stop. The world stopped, at least around the pilot, as they drifted, his head swirling with the vision in front of him. The immense peacefulness, stillness, even the thought of nothingness made him feel so alive. He’d never tire of this. 

Finn’s breath steadied as he gazed out at the stars and the twinkling of faraway galaxies and nebulas. His soul shifted from it’s high-on-edge place and down into bliss. Poe saw the ease settle into Finn’s bones, and his heart fluttered, his cheeks felt warm and Poe knew what this was- but he didn’t want to say it out loud. He wanted to hold this moment, to cradle it in his palm as the yearning grew in defiance of his suppression. 

Finn let out a tiny breath and leaned back into Poe’s side, sliding down to sit on the floor. At this small, unflinching contact, his heart jumped in his chest again; it had been a long time since he’d felt anything like this. His heart was burning a hole in his ribcage like the sun, with no sign of it going out in sight. 

Suddenly, he found himself chuckling, amazed at how fast and hard he’d fallen for Finn. It seemed like only yesterday that Finn had grabbed his shoulder (and then his hand) with the word rescue on his lips. 

The younger man twisted his head to glance at him, narrowing his eyes at the breach of peaceful silence. 

“Are you laughing at me?” He didn’t sound the least bit upset, his voice soft, smooth.

Poe feared that if he spoke, his own voice would crack, so instead he shook his head and gently pulled Finn’s to rest under his chin, letting a low hum leave his throat. He felt Finn shiver, but again, the ex-stormtrooper didn’t shy away from the contact. Poe didn’t know it, but Finn’s heart raced. 

Finn didn’t know how to express what he wanted, or what it even was that he wanted. He’d never been taught how, and had never learned for his own. 

It was all Poe knew every second of every day. 

He wanted to scream it. It clawed and gripped his heart at moments that he thought he was steady, incapable of this secrecy. He hid it away, let it stay caught in his throat, afraid of overwhelming Finn. So much had changed in an instant- it wasn’t unfair for Poe to believe that he played a huge role in Finn’s upside down life- but he wanted Finn to feel steady again, and knew that his affection wouldn’t give him that. His frustration grew. 

He’d let it out in passing moments, unable to keep it simmering under the surface; a brush of shoulders when they walked side by side to meetings, a smile he gave just to him in the nook of a hallway, a pat on the back as they rushed their separate ways when all he wanted was to give him everything he had and what was left after that too. 

 

Poe slid his hand up to Finn’s chest, his neck, his cheek, lingering for a second before pulling it away and back into his lap. 

“Poe.” Finn turned, his back leaving the warmth of the pilot’s chest, and lifted his head. 

Sucking in a breath, Poe felt his chest combust as the man looked up at him through dark eyelashes, his face soft in the unfiltered starlight. His delicate dance of avoidance stumbled then, and before he could even think to stop himself he had drawn his face too close, his lips centimeters from Finn’s, noses touching. In the briefest of moments he hesitated, caught and held by the younger man’s gaze, overpowered by how suddenly hungry it was. That was all he needed. 

Finn’s lips were baby soft against his own, and they pressed against them with such force he was pushed into the back of his chair. Poe gasped, feeling weak when Finn flicked his tongue along his lower lip, wet and searching. He was glad they were sitting in his x-wing, because if they’d been standing back in the hangar he was positive his knees would have buckled underneath him. A small moan bubbled in his throat as Finn’s tongue pushed past his lips and ran across his teeth. Finn’s hands came up to rest in the Pilot’s curly hair, strong fingers weaving through it gently, as he crawled up to straddle Poe’s lap. Poe laughed throatily into the other man’s mouth, If he thought his heart had been pounding earlier…

In a moment that felt infinitely bigger than them both, they exchanged breath, incapable and unwilling to draw any of their devout attention away from each other, both giving and taking more than was possible. 

Poe’s attention was forcibly moved, the radar lighting up with at least a dozen blips. “Shit. Shit, shit, shit.” The screen next to it notified him that they were all First Order TIE fighters. Finn quickly moved off of him and poe flipped the engine switch with a shaking hand. This was bad. This was very bad. Finn shifted beside him and his heart seized, because now the other man was in danger too. Frantically, Poe reached for his helmet which rested at his feet. Trying to keep his voice steady, he said, “Resistance Base, this is Black Leader- I...there are fifteen TIE fighters that just left hyperspace right outside our atmosphere.”

The voice on the other side of the comm crackled. “Black Leader- where are you?” 

“I’m right in front of them.” A TIE fighter screamed past him, but didn’t shoot. Which honestly confused the hell out the pilot, setting him on edge. Something wasn’t right. These things were always just fleets of destruction. It swooped back around, just as a notification of Poe’s own dashboard pinged. “One just scanned my ship… Why?” 

But neither Finn nor the man on the other side of his comm set had time to react, because suddenly all 15 enemy ships concentrated fire on Poe. He jerked up, narrowly missing the first wave. “You’re gonna have to hold on to something, Finn!” he yelled, head slamming into the seat at an awkward angle before realizing he hadn’t even secured himself. Finn reached across and desperately fumbled with the straps of their seats. 

“I’m so sorry, Finn.” Poe’s voice cracked and before Finn could blink they were gearing up for hyperspace.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Finn finally came to, he was surrounded by white for the second time in as many weeks. This time the white was biting and cruel. Ilum. They’d made it to Ilum. As his eyes adjusted and his ears stopped ringing, he was bodily aware of the blizzard raging just outside the cockpit. The second thing he noticed was the faint warmth of Poe’s body collapsed on his back. He turned as quickly as he could, his hands instantly finding themselves cradling Poe’s face. His eyes were closed. “Poe. Poe. Poe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update y'all. I tried to update earlier but the holidays and then a fit of insomnia happened. HERE WE ARE THOUGH. HERE WE ARE. The planet Ilum!!!! The next chapter is going to have such.......Good Things. .

 

“I’m so sorry, Finn.” Poe’s voice cracked and before Finn could blink they were gearing up for hyperspace. The stars that had surrounded them now blurred into streaks of blue, hundreds of lines around them like a tunnel of light. He could feel Poe’s heartbeat hammering against his back as the man’s fists clenched tighter around the handle of the joystick. Finn decided that his best course of action was to remain still and quiet while Poe flicked switches back and forth. “We shouldn’t have jumped into hyperspace. But there were too many of them.” His voice trailed off, as one of his displays began to beep. He let out a sigh, and his knuckles turned white. 

Finn realized which display it was and his stomach sunk a little. “They took out our comms unit. How…?” 

“They must have gotten a lucky hit in right before we jumped.” Poe muttered through clenched teeth. “And I just picked a quadrant, so who knows if we’ll survive whatever’s on the other side. Brace yourself, buddy.” 

For a minute or two they sat in silence. Finn’s grip on Poe’s knee was bone-crushing, Poe’s grip on the joystick the same. Words hung between them unspoken, and the silence was heavy and hungry, eating at them. Finn couldn’t shake the feeling that somehow the First Order had tracked him to the base, tracked him to the tiny light-fighter x-wing hovering just out of D’Qar’s atmosphere. It was highly unlikely that they would follow them through the jump, but even that was a simmering worry in the back of his mind. 

Poe felt himself turning pale, the realization of his desertion of the Resistance at the front of an attack gripping his heart. The dashboard was emitting blips and flashes of lights from a dozen different buttons and screens, but none of them had any targets. General Leia could be asleep in her bed as TIE-fighters bombed her from above, Poe useless to stop it. But what else could he have done? Finn would be lost to him if they’d stayed in orbit even a second longer. He was a good pilot, but without BB-8 nestled at the back of his x-wing, evading fifteen fighters would have been impossible. Or at least a chance he wasn’t willing to take. 

A harsh rhythmic tone signaled that they’d be dropping out of hyperspace in a few moments. He double checked the coordinates- the planet Ilum, located in the system of the same name. It was a largely abandoned region of space. General Organa had considered it briefly as a backup base for the Resistance, but the weather was too cold. An old imperial station had surrendered to the cold, and a scout had confirmed the building to be wholly encased in ice. So the chances that they’d find safety there in the event of another disaster were slim. Sighing, he looked at Finn. “We’re gonna have to put the D’Qar coordinates back in and fight our way back through as soon as we leave this jump. They could be in massive trouble.” 

Finn nodded curtly, his tone serious. “We’ll meet them when we get there.” The x-wing shaking under the motion of dropping out of lightspeed, and there was a worrying sound of metal tearing itself apart with no warning.The tunnel of blue vanished, immediately giving way to a rathtar-sized asteroid. 

“Look out-” Finn yelled but he was cut off with a jostle as Poe jerked the steering to the left, the x-wing soaring past only narrowly missing massacre. Behind the asteroid was even more of them, though from what Finn could tell, they were much smaller. 

“Fuck,  _ fuck _ .” They wove through them like water trickles around pebbles, Poe’s movements frantic, but still somehow controlled as they continued on a serpentine path towards Ilum. “Hold on, buddy. Asteroid fields got nothing on me.”  The confidence in his voice climbed back to a crescendo, and Finn got the sense that Poe was always this boisterous when he was flying. His high flatlined as quick as it began- TIE fighters had followed him through the jump. 

10 red dots flashed on his display, and they were nearly surrounded in the asteroid belt. They’d been stalked through the galaxy like prey, and while both Finn and Poe felt a small amount of relief that this may have meant that the Resistance was fine, it still left them sitting in space like a prize for starving predators. Finn didn’t want to doubt Poe’s ability, but since the asteroid run Han told him about, technology had clearly gotten better at locking onto a target, even in an asteroid field. And without BB-8 as technical assistance against the natural perils and those that had target seeking missiles, the young man didn’t think they’d last more than a minute. 

He saw red bolts shoot past them on either side, piercing into asteroids and causing them to shatter into thousands of sharp and blunt pieces, and as their own x-wing tore past them the clattered against the tough exterior metal, a few hitting the windshield, white tendrils spreading across it from the center of each hit. Poe’s voice was in his ear, breathy and frantic as the x-wing took a nose dive to avoid both a shot from one of the TIE fighters and a menacing looking asteroid. “If we make it to Ilum, we can lose them in the storm.” 

Finn squinted at the planet, and could see what Poe was talking about. The surface from space was a faint faint green, marbled with white, but one particular are was a massive pearly cloud, crackling with bright blue lightning. Finn knew from experience that there weren’t many ships that could still track with that much interference- certainly not light-fighters like TIEs. 

A TIE fighter screamed past them, spiraling out of control, a piece of asteroid colliding with it’s vertical wing. It was torn apart, ripped to shreds like it was nothing as it crashed into a dozen other smaller rocks. The two of them thought the same thing simultaneously, with dread and frightently potent shame. _ He’s going to die because of me _ . 

The next few minutes- the frigid shoddy atmosphere entry, the blast shots hitting the wing, the smoke filling the cockpit- they felt like nothing.

 

__________________________________________________________________

 

When Finn finally came to, he was surrounded by white for the second time in as many weeks. This time the white was biting and cruel. Ilum. They’d made it to Ilum. As his eyes adjusted and his ears stopped ringing, he was bodily aware of the blizzard raging just outside the cockpit. The second thing he noticed was the faint warmth of Poe’s body collapsed on his back. He turned as quickly as he could, his hands instantly finding themselves cradling Poe’s face. His eyes were closed. “ _ Poe. Poe. Poe. _ ” Was he breathing?

There was a second where he thought he wasn’t but then he noticed his chest rise, and felt the tiniest of Huff’s against his cheek. “ _ Poe _ , you’re alive. You’re alive.” Repetition of his words was something Phasma had always chided him on, none too gently.  _ Don’t clog the comms. _ But this wasn’t Starkiller Base, though the landscape seemed to beg otherwise. This was Poe, limp in his arms, his shirt stained with red from a wound on his shoulder. Finn didn’t notice that his own shirt was saturated in blood. He didn’t notice the gash on his arm, or the one on his forehead. Adrenaline had him in its grasp, and he’d be thankful for that later. He turned to scan the blurred pale horizons. 

Poe’s living status would not mean much if they didn’t find shelter. And quick. As far as he could see there was merely hills of white, greenish ice fields buried under snow, dark splotches of rock poking out from the drifts in places. Up ahead and to the left, maybe a few hundred feet, was a large hill of them. A fog drifted away, and he could see what clearly was a large entry way of some sort. Whatever it was it would have to do. The panels in front of him sparked erratically, and he knew that though it might be fixed, but not by him. Communication to the resistance- or anyone- was no longer an option of any sort. 

Gathering what supplies he could from underneath the seats and in the hatch hidden behind Poe and shoving them into a large sack, he hooked the pilot’s arm over his shoulder. Taking a deep breath, he pressed his palm to the button, and there was a hiss as the seals of the cockpit unhinged and opened. He was immediately assaulted by the cold, but it wasn’t as harsh as he thought it would be. Though he did not know it now, the temperature gauge on Ilum could plunge dangerously low. 

Dragging the unconscious man proved difficult, as they were nearly the same height and his dark curls kept blowing into his right eye. Finn made it to the large metal door at a snail's pace. Thankfully, he cracked it open with ease, the metal scraping against stone floor, the sound a menacing shriek. He didn’t have time to contemplate why it wasn’t sealed with jagged ice, and stepped into the darkness of the shelter instead. 

 

______________________________

 

Inside was cold and damp, but the cavern itself was not as frigid as outside. In fact, it was warm enough that droplets of ice melt fell from the ceiling in a hypnotic rhythm.. A narrow opening in the curved ceiling allowed light to flow in, illuminating the center but leaving the perimeter in complete darkness. Towers of smoothed rock sat on the floor precariously, all various heights. They appeared to be made by something, though if the layer of dust and mysterious green algae that had collected on them was any sign, that had been many years ago. 

The fact that they remained preserved comforted Finn, but he still pulled his blaster from the holster on his thigh and did a quick and quiet sweep of the cavern to make sure they were alone. Directly across from the metal door was a thick wall of ice, and though he could tell that the walls of the cavern opened behind it, he couldn’t see more than a few feet into what appeared to be a tunnel. The ice was rippled and smooth, like a waterfall that had been quickly frozen. It distorted his reflection, which always caught him off guard anyways, and he jumped. The First Order didn’t see much use for mirrors outside of the medical bay. 

Poe groaned behind him, slow and tired. In a heartbeat the younger man was kneeling beside him, gently patting his cheek to keep him conscious. He looked up at Finn, and it took several seconds for his eyes to focus on him, one of his pupils larger than the other. “You need pain relievers.” Finn whispered to himself, hand reaching blindly to pull the sack of supplies he’d pilfered from the x-wing’s storage. Sifting through it he found the standard kit all Resistance ships carried. 

Poe reached out with a trembling hand, and Finn thought he was breaking, until the hand brushed his face, the pad of Poe’s thumb trailing down Finn’s lips.  “Sorry…”

 

______________________________

 

By the time he had Poe drugged and asleep, the Solar Cycle of Ilum had shifted slightly, the light from the ceiling now reaching the waterfall. Water began the trickle down the ice, pooling on the floor. It was a small miracle from the universe that they’d crashed landed on this planet mid solar-cycle. Finn remembered reading about the Ilum system in their astronomy courses as a child. Somewhere beyond the solid metal door was an abandoned Imperial base. If he found it maybe he could gather what they needed to fix the x-wing before the Arshal panthers found them first. 

Poe was curled up in the middle of the cave, all three of the emergency blankets piled on him. Several feet away Finn had managed to start a small fire, and if flickered and crackled pleasantly. The pilot’s hair was curlier than normal, tossed to this side and splayed across the side of his face. The gash on his shoulder had stopped bleeding thanks to the bandage wrapping around his arm and chest. Finn tried not to think about how warm his skin had been against his own, and he tried not to look at where Poe’s bared collarbone was peeking out from under the blanket, at his soft expression. Didn’t think about the feeling of his thumb brushing so gently against his mouth, how his breath had caught in his throat. His face felt warm as the sun itself. 

_ Safe _ . 

_ Almost _ . 

He glanced at his wrist warily, no longer capable of ignoring the thought that had been bombarding him since the TIE fighters first appeared. Had the First Order implanted a tracking chip? Is that how they kept tracking them? Was this his fault? 

His head pounded, the crash suddenly catching up to him, the adrenaline of survival subsiding and he could feel panic rising up in his belly. It felt the same as that night on Jakku, when the gun was heavy as a black hole in his hand, the trigger a hair's breadth and miles away. The horrified faces of the people the First Order trained him to hurt. More than anything he wanted to close his eyes and dream it all away. 

Poe’s back was warm against his, and his last thought as he fell asleep; _he’d protect Poe until the end_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for reading!  
> Comments are greatly motivating and appreciated.   
> My tumblr is poefinn, and you can hmu on there if you want!  
> Lov u all, 
> 
> (ps. I will try to make the chapters longer, but this was already past due so I felt I should post it!)


	3. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Luke meet. Finn and Poe explore the caves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Terribly sorry this is late. I didn't intend it to be.)

Ilum was, perhaps, a metaphor for the galaxy.The planet offered its inhabitants no seasons; its climate was often cold, harsh, and unforgiving. What little fauna that lived on the frozen surface had hardened themselves to the climate over time. They adapted and survived, grew thick skin and dense fur coats because all was as the Force willed it, and if they did not rise to meet it, It would not hesitate to take them. The Force’s balance was more apparent here than on D’Qar and Starkiller Base. Whether they were going to survive their crash-landing was entirely up to fate. 

But fate had smiled on them, however unlikely it seemed. The annual solar cycle had aligned at just the right time, and the temperature had warmed, answering their quiet prayers. Finn sat cross-legged in front of his small fire, sparks snapping up from the embers --  kissing his clothes before dissipating to ash. He traced one flake on his forearm, the ash becoming a grey smear against his skin. His eyes flicked to where Poe stirred, meeting his when they finally opened for this first time in 24 hours. 

“Feeling better?” Finn asked, his voice soft but carrying with ease in the quiet cave. 

Poe sat up slowly, his back popping in several places. He winced. “Probably…” He looked around, a hand running through his stray curls, pausing on the bump on the back of his head. “Where are we?”

“Ilum.”

“I remember that. But  _ where  _ are we?” Poe pointed at the waterfall, which had begun to melt at a steadily faster pace, the puddle at its base now several feet wide. As the ice melted it’s translucent state shifted to transparent, a winding tunnel apparent behind it. 

Finn pursed his lips in thought, glancing at a dark opening in the cave wall to his left. “I think this might be an old Jedi temple of some sort.”

Poe whipped his head around to look at Finn, and he raised an eyebrow, his mouth quirked to one side. Suddenly Finn was FN-2187 again, looking his pilot in his bright eyes for the first time. “You mean  _ the  _ Jedi?”

______________________________

 

Once Poe finally managed to stand, his knees buckling under him only a few times, Finn guided him to the cavern hidden from their own, hand on his elbow, tugging gently. Across the floor sprawled a giant mural, and it looked ancient. The once-bright colors had faded from exposure, the sunlight cascading from a perfectly circular opening on the ceiling. Poe had the same expression that Finn was sure he’d had when he’d wandered into the room alone; jaw slack, eyes wide with wonder, his neck craned so he could stare at the paintings that crawled up the walls. 

There were Jedi, ones Finn couldn’t name even if he’d tried. He’d learned a brief history of some of them. He’d read about the treachery of their leaders against the Separatists, of Luke Skywalker and Master Yoda against the Empire. Guessing from how old the pigment was on the grey-green stone, he assumed that these Jedi were probably from the era of the Republic, if not earlier. He stared  at one particularly detailed scene: the depiction of an ancient battle using traditional lightsabers, both of the Jedi bequeathed in dark robes; he could still feel the heavy hilt of the blue saber in his hand. How his bones had hummed with its power. 

He glanced over to Poe, who was still silently lost in the mural, his wonder resonating with Finn’s. “Han told us the Jedi were real. Even when we learned about them in the First Order, it still seemed like it was all a myth. Even when I held the lightsaber in my hand, I felt separate from it. From its story. But this is real. They were here.” Deep in his gut he felt something tug, the sensation that he was being pulled backwards. He turned to face the entrance to the cavern. Nothing. 

“My mother told me about them.” Poe whispered, reverent. “And so did Leia. She told me stories about her brother Luke, and their father Anakin...Darth Vader.” He turned to Finn, his hands restlessly twisting, excited eyes darting across the paintings. "It's easy to lose their stories to doubt, Finn. But all of their efforts in this galaxy were real, Luke is with Rey right now, continuing the legacy. And we have to continue the movement."

“Alright well,” Finn's reply was soft, but the commitment in it was unshakable. "We're no use to General Organa if we're stuck on this planet."

Poe chuckled. “That’s right. We're so useless here, that Threepio hasn't got anything on us." At this, the crinkles around the Pilot's eyes deepened, and Finn laughed, ducking his head. He slipped the moment into the back of his mind, where it would be safe. 

______________________________

 

Back in the main chamber Poe crouched on the balls of his feet, sifting through the items Finn had managed to salvage from the crash. Some electrical parts of the x-wing that wouldn't withstand the cold, the emergency rations, extra clothing- both armor and practical- and a few blasters of Poe's preference.  The rest of the survival kit had been put to use already, the flint tossed to the side of the steady fire, which burned thanks to the reserves of fuel still in the tank and because of the very little flora that survived out in the frost. Poe had ventured out only several yards near the cave entrance and found remnants of frozen brush. After it thawed he found that it burned a surprisingly long time, though he’d need to gather more before they went to rest. 

Water was in no short supply thanks to the defrost. Finn had rested a decent sized container against the ice-wall, the water slowly filling it and that, coupled with the filter that came in the survival kit in the x-wing, gave them a near endless supply.

"Do we know anything about the day cycle?" Finn asked, sorting the rations into piles, glancing at Poe who was deep in thought. “When this warmth will end?”

Finally Poe rolled back onto his heels and stood, glancing up at the hole on the ceiling, the light passing through his black curls and illuminating their edges. "I'd give us a week, if we're lucky." 

Finn exhaled slowly, his breath spreading in a white cloud in front his face. "Then we better get going.”

______________________________

 

Ach To. Several Days after Starkiller Base’s Destruction. 

The sea mist had become dense, drifting past her in bouts of grey, shrouding the path from time to time. In those moments she would pause, taking it as an opportunity to collect herself. Upon the peak of the craggy island resided Luke Skywalker. Leia’s brother. The myth. His lightsaber weighed heavy in her bag.  None of it felt real. But it was. 

Beneath her feet she felt an energy, immense in its nature, and sound. Imbedded as the life of the Island itself. When she closed her eyes the mist gathered as drops on her brow, and if she concentrated Rey could feel the energy stretch out from the island likes rays from a sun, pulsing with potential. 

Her journey had taken her here, to follow in the footsteps of Luke and although she felt as though the universe could not throw more and more towards her, to place even more weight upon her shoulders, she knew she could bear it. This was her story, and she was shaped by sand storms. A looming dark wouldn’t shake her. 

 

______________________________

 

The craggy hill gave way to a flattened area, the ground covered in ancient stone pathways, the vibrant green moss growing across it and finding roots in the cracks. The sea mist felt lighter at this altitude, now that she was nearly at the summit. Luke stood at the cliff’s edge, his grey and weathered robes dancing in the breeze. His back was to her, but she knew he knew she stood behind him. The first new presence on the island in many years.

A pebble formed in her throat, and she felt something she couldn’t quite name fill her, noticing that the energy around her began to crawl ever closer. She felt like a thousand eyes watched her, even though they were alone in this temple. Slowly he turned, the grey robes giving way to a beard much the same, his face solemn. Leia had warned her that he would look weathered by time, but when he stood before her, he seemed impossibly worn away. Like a proud rock in the sea, beaten at by crashing waves day in and day out, but still standing- even if the foundation could give way to the erosion at any moment, crumbling into the sea. With one mechanical  hand he pulled aside his hood, and Rey could have sworn that his already stricken expression dropped even further. 

She knew that words would not carry her in the moment, so instead she reached into the brown satchel at her side, grasping the hilt as gingerly as she could. She held out her arm, stepping forward to close the space between them. He didn’t flinch, nor did he look away from her, eyes never shifting to the saber in her hand. She could feel her chin quiver, and tears prick at her eyes. Luke Skywalker, the man who’d stopped a raging darkness. Now he stood before her and his grey-blue eyes were glazed over with grief, both past, present and future. Rey felt his heartbreak as her own. She could do nothing but slowly wrap her arms around him. 

Maybe it was over-stepping, or broke an ancient Jedi role, but Rey realized she didn’t care. He stiffened for a moment, and then as slow as the sun rising, he brought his human hand to rest on her back, and his rigidness slackened. Rey shook her head, almost laughing from the overwhelming interaction, certainly crying, and the words nearly caught in her throat. Finally, she managed a quiet mumble. “I’m sorry about Han.” 

Luke began to shake, and to her horror, she realized that he was crying. Giving him one last reassuring squeeze, she stepped back, arms falling to her side. Luke Skywalker was human. Just her like her. Just like Leia. And this was perhaps the first time he’d been alone with his grief. She knew how grief worked. How it crushed her spirit down until she felt small and useless. But she could share this with him. Rey would take the devastating weight of Han’s loss, ease Luke from it slowly, if she had to. 

Finally he glanced at the silver hilt resting in her hand, brushing a hand against his cheek with a stark gesture, breath heaving as he stood up straight and gently reached out to take it from her. 

“I’m Rey. Your sister sent me. We need your help.” 

______________________________

 

The mortar between the grey stone of Luke’s hut had dissipated, leaving cracks in the slate for light to shine through. Luke sat across from her on a carved wooden stool, his legs crossed to imitate the intricately engraved legs. She had to wonder where the wood even came from, as there did not seem to be trees on Ach To. She was still dripping wet, not shortly after she introduced herself had it started to downpour. Rey hadn’t experienced rain like that before in her life. It didn’t seem like the ocean could still exist when it was falling from the sky with such ferocity. 

Once inside the hutt, Luke opened a trunk underneath what must have been the bed, pulling out a steely-grey wool poncho much similar to the one he was wearing. She pulled it over her head, it was itchy against her skin but she felt warmer almost instantly. The bed looked very comfortable, Rey decided, because the mattress was made of the same slate as the walls, with only a thin blanket covering it. In some ways this little hutt was not that different from her converted AT-AT. It was a strange thought, and suddenly she remembered all the little things she had left behind so suddenly. Her x-wing pilot helmet, the little doll one of the old ladies at the cleaning station had made for her, from back when she had been too small to work. 

“Why are you crying?” Luke said, firm but gentle. 

Rey hummed and shook her head, before she realized that tears  _ were  _ falling down her cheeks. She looked away, hoping that maybe they would just stop before she ended up looking ridiculous. “It’s just….so much has happened so quickly and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. He took Han. He almost took Finn.” Luke was silent, but Rey saw understanding in his eyes. 

His voice was rough, catching on the edges of his words when he spoke. “When I was young, when all of this started I suppose, I was swept away from my home on Tatooine. And it was amazing, and terrifying at the same time. But I finally had a purpose. I wasn’t just another boy who would live and die in the sand there. I’d practically just met Han, and Leia…..Oh Leia. She was the spark of energy in my life. Eventually I went home, though. I wanted to tell Aunt Beru and Uncle Owen about it  _ all _ . But when I got there, they were already dead.” Rey sunk slowly onto the stone ledge, her chin wobbling, betraying her. The Jedi glanced at her, but his gaze went past her to a strip of fabric that was orange in color with a tiny brown pattern, sitting on one of the many shelves. “Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I  _ see  _ them, burning. I can smell it.”

Luke looked at Rey. “They will take what they can from you. They won’t ask, they won’t beg for forgiveness.”

“They?”

“The First Order. The Empire. The Sith. They’re all the same. They take and they take and they take. You can’t let them, Rey.” He stood, suddenly, and brushed past her to push open the heavy wooden door of the Hutt. The rain splattered inside. He didn’t look over his shoulder as he stepped out into the rain, once again pulling up his hood. “Follow me.” 

______________________________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for sticking around! I'd love to hear your feedback/wishes/doubts!  
> As always, I'm user @poefinn on tumblr ^^

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my god Poe you're so gay get it together.  
> Come yell at/with me on tumblr! I'm @poefinn.  
> Comments are super appreciated and motivating!!


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